You have already said that you need to sleep.
The phone rings again.
When you answer, the conversation begins with disappointment: “If you really loved me, you would want to talk.”
You stay on the phone. Tomorrow you will be exhausted, but tonight that seems easier than defending your need for rest.
Small moments like this can become a pattern. You agree to things you cannot afford, answer questions you are uncomfortable with, or accept treatment that leaves you hurt. Afterwards, you wonder whether saying no would have been selfish.
Setting boundaries in a Christian relationship involves being honest about what you can offer, what you are willing to participate in and how you will respond to behaviour that causes harm.
Those conversations can feel uncomfortable, especially when you have learned to associate love with keeping everyone happy.
You can approach them with both kindness and clarity.
1. UNDERSTAND WHAT A BOUNDARY ACTUALLY IS
A boundary describes a limit and, where necessary, the action you will take to uphold it.
For example:
“I can talk until ten tonight. After that, I will put my phone on silent so I can sleep.”
“I am willing to discuss this disagreement, but if the name-calling continues, I will end the call and arrange another time.”
“I cannot lend you money from the amount set aside for my rent.”
A boundary concerns your availability, resources, body or participation.
It becomes controlling when you try to govern another adult’s life through threats, surveillance or punishment. “You are not allowed to speak to anyone I dislike” is a demand for control.
Before stating a boundary, ask yourself: “What am I taking responsibility for, and what am I trying to make this person do?”
2. BEGIN WITH THE PROBLEM YOU NEED TO ADDRESS
You do not need a long list of new rules.
Start with one recurring situation that is affecting you.
Perhaps you are being expected to answer messages throughout your working day. Perhaps private disagreements are repeatedly shared with relatives. Perhaps your partner keeps making financial requests after you have explained your circumstances.
Write down:
What keeps happening?
How is it affecting me?
What limit would help?
What can I realistically do to uphold it?
This turns a general feeling of frustration into something you can explain.
For instance:
“When you send repeated messages while I am working, I struggle to concentrate. I will check my phone during my break and reply then.”
3. MAKE ROOM FOR BOTH LOVE AND RESPONSIBILITY
Galatians 6:2 calls believers to carry one another’s burdens. Later in the same passage, verse 5 speaks of each person carrying their own load.
Read together, these verses give us reason to value mutual help alongside personal responsibility.
You may support someone through a difficult season without becoming responsible for every decision they make.
You can listen, pray, offer practical help and encourage wise action. You may also need to say:
“I can help you think through a budget, but I cannot keep covering this expense.”
Consider Jesus’ example in Luke 5:15–16. Despite the growing crowds seeking him, he withdrew to lonely places and prayed. His ministry included deliberate withdrawal.
Your need for rest, prayer and ordinary responsibilities deserves honest consideration too.
4. USE CLEAR WORDS WITHOUT BUILDING A CASE FOR YOUR WORTHINESS
People who feel guilty about boundaries often overexplain.
They offer six reasons, apologise repeatedly and hope the other person will eventually grant permission.
A brief explanation is usually easier to understand:
“I am not available tonight. I can meet on Saturday.”
“I do not want that photograph shared online. Please remove it.”
“I am not comfortable with that sexual activity. I do not consent to it.”
You can acknowledge disappointment without withdrawing the limit:
“I understand that you wanted a different answer. This is still what I can offer.”
Speak calmly where possible. Your boundary does not need anger to become valid.
5. DISTINGUISH DATING DECISIONS FROM MARRIAGE RESPONSIBILITIES
In dating, boundaries help you discover whether a relationship allows honesty, freedom and respect. You are still deciding whether to make a lifelong commitment.
You can decline a date, slow the relationship down or end it. A claim about marriage being God’s will does not remove your freedom to choose.
Marriage brings shared commitments that require continuing discussion. Decisions about household money, parenting, time and family responsibilities usually need mutual agreements.
For example, protecting personal rest should involve discussing how necessary caring responsibilities will be covered fairly.
Neither spouse’s needs should disappear from the conversation.
In every relationship, including marriage, sexual consent matters. Previous consent, affection or marital status does not remove someone’s right to decline.
6. EXPECT SOME DISCOMFORT WITHOUT ASSUMING YOU HAVE DONE WRONG
You may feel guilty after setting a reasonable limit.
That feeling deserves reflection, but it does not settle whether the boundary was wrong.
Ask:
Was I truthful?
Was I unnecessarily harsh?
Did I neglect a responsibility I had agreed to carry?
Am I allowing the other person the same dignity I am asking for?
If you spoke cruelly, apologise for your words. If your request was unclear, explain it better.
You can correct your manner while keeping a necessary limit.
The other person may also need time to adjust, especially if you have previously agreed to everything. Disappointment alone does not establish that either of you is behaving badly.
7. WATCH WHAT HAPPENS AFTER THE CONVERSATION
A caring partner may ask questions, disagree with part of your request or suggest an alternative. Respect does not require instant agreement about every practical detail.
Look at how the discussion develops.
Can you speak freely?
Is your answer taken seriously?
Can you negotiate without being frightened?
Does the eventual agreement influence behaviour?
Repeated threats, humiliation, sexual pressure or punishment for saying no call for closer attention.
Avoid judging the whole relationship by one awkward conversation. Equally, do not let repeated apologies prevent you from noticing that the same behaviour continues.
8. FOLLOW THROUGH WITH AN ACTION YOU CAN TAKE
A boundary becomes difficult to maintain when the consequence depends entirely on someone else cooperating.
“If you shout again, you must calm down immediately” is something you cannot enforce.
“If the shouting continues, I will end this call” describes your own action.
Choose a response that is proportionate and practical. Avoid threats you do not intend to carry out or actions designed to cause distress.
If leaving a conversation or stating a boundary could put you in danger, prioritise confidential specialist support rather than testing whether a stronger statement will change the situation.
9. ASK FOR HELP WHEN THE PATTERN IS HARD TO CHANGE
Some couples can discuss boundaries and make workable agreements. Others need help understanding why the same conflicts return.
A suitably qualified relationship counsellor may help where both people can participate safely and freely. A trusted pastor can offer spiritual support within their competence.
Where there is coercion, intimidation or violence, seek individual specialist advice. Joint conversations may not be the safest first step.
You do not have to wait until you have found perfect words before asking for help.
A PRACTICAL EXERCISE FOR THIS WEEK
Complete these sentences:
“One situation I need to address is…”
“It affects me by…”
“The boundary I want to explain is…”
“The action I can take to uphold it is…”
Then choose an appropriate time to speak.
For example:
“I have been lending money that I need for essential bills. From now on, I will only offer financial help from money I can afford to give. I can help you look at other options.”
Keep your words simple. Allow questions. Notice whether your limit is respected over time.
FINAL PRAYER
Lord Jesus, give me wisdom to love honestly. Help me recognise my responsibilities and speak clearly about my limits. Where I have acted selfishly, teach me to make amends. Where fear or guilt keeps me silent, give me courage and wise support. Help us treat one another with patience, dignity and care. Amen.
FURTHER READING
Explore these books by Apostle David Ogunseyin:
Before You Say I Do, Before You Say I’m Done
When Parents Cross the Line
God Said You Are My Wife: How to Discern Prophecy From Pressure
How to Communicate Better in Marriage Without Every Conversation Becoming an Argument
When Parents Cross the Line: Christian Marriage and In-Law Boundaries
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Apostle David Ogunseyin is an Anglican priest and the Founder & Lead Pastor of Prophetic Voice Restoration Global.
Restoring Lives • Rebuilding Hope • Reviving Destinies