You have discussed the wedding colours.
You know who will sit at the top table. You have compared venues, considered photographs and wondered whether the guest list is becoming too long.
But have you discussed what happens when one of you loses a job?
Whether either of you expects a parent to live with you?
What you would do if you disagreed about having children?
A wedding gives you a date to prepare for. Marriage asks you to prepare for a shared life.
The questions to ask before marriage should help you understand the person you are choosing and the expectations you are bringing. Some answers will reassure you. Others may reveal differences that need more time and attention.
You do not have to settle everything in one evening. Choose a topic, listen carefully and return to anything that remains unclear.
1. WHAT DOES FOLLOWING CHRIST LOOK LIKE IN EVERYDAY LIFE?
Sharing a Christian identity matters, but it does not mean you understand faith in the same way.
Ask:
“How does your faith influence your decisions?”
“What place would church, prayer and Christian community have in our home?”
“What happens when we disagree about something we believe God is leading us to do?”
“Who can challenge you when you are wrong?”
Listen for how faith shapes conduct as well as language.
Galatians 5:22–23 describes the fruit of the Spirit in qualities such as patience, kindness, faithfulness and self-control. Consider how those qualities appear in your relationship, especially during disappointment.
Discuss church traditions and ministry commitments too. If you attend different denominations, explore the practical implications before assuming they will resolve themselves.
2. HOW WILL WE HANDLE MONEY?
Talk honestly about income, debts, savings, financial commitments and spending habits.
Ask:
“What debts or financial obligations would affect our household?”
“What support do you currently give relatives?”
“How would we organise accounts and household bills?”
“What purchases would we discuss before making them?”
“What would we do if one income stopped?”
Discuss the figures that matter. “I have a little debt” means different things to different people.
You may choose joint accounts, separate accounts or a combination. What matters is that both understand the arrangement, can meet essential needs and have meaningful participation in decisions.
If you disagree, work through a sample monthly budget together. It can reveal assumptions that a general conversation misses.
3. DO WE WANT CHILDREN, AND WHAT DO WE EXPECT PARENTING TO INVOLVE?
Do not rely on hints.
Ask:
“Do you want children?”
“What timing do you have in mind?”
“How would we share childcare and paid work?”
“What approaches to discipline do you believe are acceptable?”
“What would we do if becoming parents proved difficult?”
If either person already has children, discuss their needs and the responsibilities that already exist. Include co-parenting arrangements and how a future spouse would fit into the family.
A substantial disagreement about whether to have children deserves serious attention. Marriage should not depend on a private plan to change the other person’s answer.
4. WHAT DO WE EXPECT OF EACH OTHER AT HOME?
Many arguments begin with an expectation that was never spoken.
One person assumes both will cook. The other expects meals to be their spouse’s responsibility.
One imagines a busy home filled with visitors. The other needs considerable quiet and privacy.
Ask:
“How would we divide cooking, cleaning and household administration?”
“How would that change during illness, demanding work periods or caring responsibilities?”
“What do you mean when you speak about a husband’s or wife’s role?”
“How will we make decisions when we disagree?”
Christian teaching about marriage should be discussed carefully, with attention to the whole biblical call to love, service and responsibility. Ephesians 5:21–33 deserves thoughtful reading together, including its call to mutual submission and the husband’s duty of sacrificial love.
Neither person should enter marriage expecting unquestioned control over the other.
5. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE ARE ANGRY?
Ask about actual behaviour.
“When you become angry, what do you tend to do?”
“How do you apologise?”
“What have you learned from a disagreement we have already had?”
“Can either of us ask for a pause, and how will we return to the conversation?”
Pay attention to what you have experienced together.
Someone may give an excellent answer about respect while repeatedly insulting you when frustrated. That difference between words and behaviour needs addressing before marriage.
James 1:19–20 calls believers towards careful listening and restraint in anger. Marriage preparation gives you an opportunity to practise those habits now.
6. HOW WILL OUR FAMILIES FIT INTO OUR MARRIAGE?
Discuss the relationships you value and the expectations attached to them.
Ask:
“How often would we visit or host relatives?”
“Would either of us expect a parent or sibling to live with us?”
“What financial support do our families expect?”
“What information about our disagreements would remain private?”
“How would we respond if a relative treated one of us disrespectfully?”
Genesis 2:24 describes the formation of a new marital bond. That invites serious thought about how your marriage will function as a household while continuing to honour family relationships.
You can love your relatives and still need agreements about visits, money, privacy and decision-making.
7. WHAT DO WE NEED TO DISCUSS ABOUT INTIMACY AND HEALTH?
This conversation requires dignity, sensitivity and honesty.
Ask:
“What expectations do we have about affection and sexual intimacy?”
“How will we communicate discomfort or say no?”
“How would we seek appropriate help if something became difficult?”
“Are there health conditions, treatments or practical needs that would materially affect our shared life?”
Discuss relevant sexual health testing with an appropriate healthcare professional rather than making assumptions.
You do not need to demand graphic accounts of someone’s past. You do need an honest understanding of matters that affect informed consent, health and the commitments you are considering.
Marriage does not remove either person’s right to decline sexual activity.
8. WHERE ARE WE PLANNING TO BUILD OUR LIFE?
Love can become entangled with an unspoken relocation plan.
Ask:
“Where do you expect us to live?”
“Would you consider moving for work, ministry or family responsibilities?”
“What would happen to the other person’s career?”
“Would either of us expect a period of living apart?”
“What practical information do we still need?”
For couples living in different countries, discuss travel costs, work prospects, immigration arrangements and realistic timelines. Obtain qualified advice where necessary.
Avoid making promises about matters neither of you has checked.
9. WHAT COMMITMENTS AND DIFFICULTIES ALREADY EXIST?
Marriage preparation requires enough honesty for both people to understand what they are choosing.
Ask:
“Are there existing marriages, children, legal obligations or major commitments we need to discuss?”
“Is there an ongoing pattern involving gambling, substance use, dishonesty or other behaviour that needs attention?”
“What support are you receiving?”
“What changes have happened, and over what period?”
A difficult history does not make someone unworthy of love. However, promises of change need to be considered alongside present behaviour and appropriate support.
You can care deeply about someone while recognising that you are not ready to marry them.
10. ARE WE BOTH FREE TO MAKE THIS DECISION?
Ask each other directly:
“If we needed more time, could we say so?”
“Would either of us feel afraid to postpone the wedding?”
“Are we choosing marriage because we want this commitment, or because of family pressure, money already spent, pregnancy or a spiritual claim?”
An engagement should allow honest reassessment.
If serious concerns arise, slowing down may be a responsible decision. The inconvenience of changing wedding plans deserves consideration, but it should not decide a lifelong commitment.
HOW TO USE THESE QUESTIONS WELL
Choose two topics at a time. Each person should answer, listen and ask follow-up questions.
For every topic, write down:
What we agree on.
What we understand differently.
What information we still need.
What action we will take next.
Bring unresolved concerns to premarital counselling with a suitably prepared minister or qualified professional, depending on the issue.
Avoid treating this guide as an interview one person must pass. You are both learning, disclosing and deciding.
If you are frightened of your partner’s response to honest questions, seek confidential support before arranging a joint discussion.
BEFORE YOU FIX THE WEDDING DATE
Ask yourself whether you have room to tell the truth in this relationship.
Can you disagree without being threatened?
Can you admit uncertainty?
Can you discuss practical matters without being accused of lacking faith?
Marriage preparation should give both people a clearer understanding of the commitment ahead. Take the time those conversations deserve.
FINAL PRAYER
Lord Jesus, guide us as we consider marriage. Give us honesty where we are tempted to impress, patience where we want quick answers and courage where a difficult conversation is needed. Help us recognise both the good before us and the concerns that require attention. Teach us to make this decision freely, responsibly and with love. Amen.
FURTHER READING
Continue your preparation with Before You Say I Do, Before You Say I’m Done by Apostle David Ogunseyin.
Christian Dating Red Flags You Should Not Ignore
How to Set Boundaries in a Christian Relationship Without Feeling Guilty
God Said You Are My Wife: How to Discern Prophecy From Pressure
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Apostle David Ogunseyin is an Anglican priest and the Founder & Lead Pastor of Prophetic Voice Restoration Global.
Restoring Lives • Rebuilding Hope • Reviving Destinies